Man Law: #578, Black

It was a Sunday.  I was chilling in the cave doing push-ups with my right arm, and arm wrestling a grizzly bear with my left.  Two sets of twin fitness models were cheering me on in their birthday suits, and the movie ‘Conan the Barbarian’ played on my 500 inch flat screen.  It was an Ice Cube type of day… Then I received a text message that changed everything. 

“CHEAP GAS FOR $3.29 AT BP IN INDIANA!!!”

I’m not really built for this recession so I jumped in and out of the phone booth, and jumped in the Bat Mobile. 

About 2 minutes and 43 miles later, I arrived at the gas station.  I stepped out of the car feeling fresh to def and did 18 back flips all the way to the cashier and paid for the gas.  SUCCESS!

On the way out, I felt the urge to relieve myself from the 5 gallons of hot Lava I drank to keep me cool during my workout.   I decided to head for the lavatory. 

I swung the door open and inhaled the manly air.  The bathroom was nice and dirty.  The scene looked normal.  There were 5 urinals and 3 toilets with no doors… no toilet paper.  I stretched and put on my weight gloves, and the back brace I had kept handy for all heavy lifting.  I walked over to the urinal on the far left, and let it flow.  

About 5 minutes later, (halfway through my drainage) a short guy walks in the bathroom (6’1” or 6’2”)… That’s when EVERYTHING went wrong.  This guy showed total disregard for Man Law #578 Black. I dealt with it, and gave him the benefit of the doubt because Man Law #578 Black had not been properly established in writing.  This was when I decided to go ahead and put a stamp on it and save some other men from the extreme awkwardness and brutal frustration that comes with having improper public bathroom ethics.  So, without any further ado. 

MAN LAW #578 BLACK:: PROPER PUBLIC BATHROOM ETHICS

MAN LAW #578, BLACK::   SECTION 7, CODE-COMFORT ZONE:  Do NOT occupy the urinal directly next to another urinal that is already occupied.

When I have my penis out…  The LAST thing I want is for another man to walk up, stand directly next to me, and pull his penis out as well.   NOT ACCEPTABLE under ANY circumstance.  It’s just not right.  Plus, it’s kind of hard for me to steer without my elbow room.  I need my space.  If I have to shake my leg, you’d be in range to get kicked into the ladies room where you belong.

MAN LAW #578, BLACK::   SECTION 8, CODE-STRANGER DANGER:  Do NOT spark conversation with total strangers while they’re holding their meat.

This makes me very uncomfortable.   I’m trying to keep my slab from falling into the water; and you’re trying to spark up a conversation.  I have to concentrate while I’m lifting weights; and I definitely don’t need a spotter.  It just doesn’t make any sense.  And definitely DON’T ask a man, “how it’s hanging” unless you’re trying to pick him up.  If you're gay, I understand because I am a sexy beast, but you'd definitely waste your time with me.  And I must warn you... Not even my gay friends like getting picked up in the bathroom.  The odds are against you.  Gay or not; the best thing to do is save the small talk for the sink.

MAN LAW #578, BLACK::   SECTION 9, CODE- YOU REACH, I TEACH:  Do NOT extend arm to shake hands with anyone before you’ve taken your trip to the sink.

It’s cool to make new friends, or greet someone you know when you see them…  But, if you’ve recently stood at a urinal, do NOT try and shake hands with ANYONE until you’ve removed the penis residue from your fingers.  Not only is it unethical, but it is downright disrespectful.  It doesn’t matter what state you live in; the stand your ground law should apply.

MAN LAW #578, BLACK::   SECTION 10, CODE- PANTS ON THE GROUND:  Do NOT pull your pants and underwear down below your ass during the micturition process.

Pee like a man.  No person over the age of 7 should have their pants down at the ankles while using the urinals.  It seems people really get a thrill from showing their asses these days.  I bet they would lose that habit in prison.  Especially when they realize that they'd have to bend over to pull their pants back up.  

If you or someone you know have been a victim of unethical bathroom behavior in public, please get help at once.  The violators must be stopped immediately.  Together we can take a stand to end this irrational behavior from people who try to call themselves men.  To successfully report violators dial…

1-888-THIS-BLOGZ-4U

SLANK YOU VERY MUCH